Dale Carnegie was the original Tony Robbins, without the fake tan and the big teeth (at least Jane believes that to be true--she's never actually seen a picture of Dale Carnegie). For more than 70 years, Carnegie's time-tested How to Win Friends & Influence People has been a bible for those looking to succeed in business. As tough times are good times to step back and re-assess what works in the business world, Jane picked up her copy of HTWF&IP and plucked out some old-fashioned but never out-dated wisdom to share with you, her dear readers.
Carnegie's thesis was that 85 percent of business success comes from the "the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people." Only 15 percent of success is due to actual professional knowledge. By creating strong and lasting relationships through people skills, anyone, says Carnegie, should be able to get what she wants––whether that's cooperation from colleagues, a promotion, or a new job.
One of the book's sections discusses the “Six Ways to Make People Like You.” Carnegie's Six–Step Program is quite simple.
- Become genuinely interested in other people.
- Smile.
- Remember names and use them frequently in conversation.
- Be a good listener. Encourage people to talk about themselves.
- Talk in terms of other people's interests.
- Sincerely make the other person feel important.
Once you've established a relationship by paying attention and displaying a friendly demeanor, then it's time to get what you want. Of course, Mr. Carnegie would never put it that crassly. But Jane would. After all, let's be honest. That's what this book, or any self–help book, is really all about.
Among the better ways (in Jane's HO) that Carnegie suggests you “win people to your way of thinking” are:
- Showing respect for the other person's opinion. (Parenthetically, Jane would like to point out that starting a sentence with “With all due respect” does not, in fact, show any respect for the other person's opinion. Usually, said phrase is a dead give–away that the speaker has absolutely no respect for the thought upon which she is about to comment).
- Letting the other person do the talking.
- Letting the other person think that the great idea is theirs.
- Taking a friendly approach.
- Appealing to nobler motives.
- Avoiding arguments. Carnegie points out that you can never really win an argument, so why pick the fight in the first place? Yes, you may prove to be right, but you won't prove to be liked.
Jane would like to add one other point to the mix. If you see an argument brewing in the head of the person to whom you are talking, diffuse it before it starts. Her example comes straight out of real life, courtesy of her next door neighbor. You see, Jane was experiencing the delights of R.E.M. sleep at 3 AM on Sunday morning when a sudden commotion from the condominium sharing an adjoining wall with her bedroom aroused her (and not in a good way) out of her beauty sleep. Jane slammed a broom handle against said wall a few times (a method she more frequently employs with her noisy troglodtye of an upstairs neighbor) and then restlessly waited out the noise. The following morning, the next–door neighbor left a note, profusely apologizing for his noisy guests. He even left his phone number should Jane need to deal with a similar episode in the future. Jane was impressed. Instead of being annoyed with her neighbor and his ill–mannered friends, she thought, “What a nice, considerate neighbor.” In actuality, he's a smart neighbor, one who knows how to win friends and influence people. He diffused a potentially un–neighborly situation by owning up to fault, and setting up an action plan should an incident occur again. Brilliant.
So, dear reader, whether you choose to read Dale Carnegie, Tony Robbins or the good book of your religious choosing, remember when it comes to winning friends and influencing people, do unto your neighbor as you would have her do unto yourself. It's a golden rule and it works.
